Do you ever feel like you are looking down at yourself and think – who is this person?!?
I’ve been having that feeling lately, it’s a feeling that washes over me quite regularly. I struggle with my identity as a wife, mother, and in my newest title of writer. The struggle is real. There is no metric to tell you if you are doing it right or is there? I always feel as if I could be doing things better. In fact most of the time I feel like I’m doing things wrong, which leads to procrastination or inaction.
I started this blog years ago now and by started, I mean I bought the domain when my dear daughter was 2 and would tell me “you’re the best mommy i got”. Out of the mouth of babes – she’s got it right. I am the only mommy she has, so I’ve got to do this right and be my best for her! So my goal was to start this blog as a time capsule for my children/family, perhaps keep tips and advice that I have learned and can pass down to them. My goal was interrupted by my incessant need to plan and research the best way to accomplish that goal – haha and my failure to launch has struck again! Doubts of it being not good enough, terrible, embarrassing all cloud my mind.
After extensive research aka “procrastination” and external motivation from dear friends and loving family members, along with my two beloved faith filled communities I’m involved with (MOPS and St John XXiii) the call to action is here. I’ve read some place before, the mind hates unanswered questions, so I might start each blog post with a question. So today I ask, Who am I?
I’m a Wife. I know this might sound cliche, but I am married to the BEST man on the planet. He denies me nothing, loves me when I’m crazy, pushes me to be better than I think I can be. At work he’s a driven, but caring leader in his field of financial planning/wealth management. He has a strong internal motivation to provide for his family and community. I’ve always marveled at his internal motivation and I’m sure he’s always been curiously confused why I need so much external motivation in the form of self help books for every nook and cranny in my life. If my husband had a marketing slogan it would be “just do it” and I so envy and love him for it! As you can see it is easy to feel inadequate when you are dealing with greatness – lol – we both have enjoy our sarcasm, if it was a Love Language it would surely be ours 😘😍.
I’m a mom. Or shall I say Mommy – the best mommy my kids have got! It is a miracle that I am a mother. My husband and I had a rather long courtship (7 years – made sure no one had that itch) so once we were married in 2001, we decided to start our family right away. The anticipation of starting a family soon was so exciting! I remember buying a cute green nautica sweatshirt and pant outfit at Dillards with my mother in law. It was a super clearance deal, so I was either buying a baby shower gift or for our future child … But I’m sure it would be the later. I was so naive. A year later on May 1, 2002 I visited my GYN to make sure all was ok since I was not pregnant yet. It’s never a good sign when my doctor asked me if we could call my husband and have him come to the office…. Obviously something was wrong, an external exam had the doctor searching for my uterus… Which I joked, it was in there last time I visited. Internal exam led to more questions and doctors crowding the room as they tried to distract me with questions like “so where do you work, oh lending, what are interest rates doing lately?” This day would start almost a decade long journey that included hospital stays, surgeries, and what seemed like neverending infertility. But I’ll save that for another post, or two, or three. The end result was motherhood – finally. Motherhood that I can never complain about. When you try for 10 years for children, you can’t complain that your tired when you have them?! Right? Motherhood that I’ve got to get right – I mean come one, I’ve had 10 years to prepare for this?! In all seriousness I love these 2 kiddos so much it’s hard to put into words. Our Princesses was born in 2011 and the prince arrived in 2013. They are the BEST kids on the planet 😘!
I’m a writer soon to be author of a published book. What? How did that happen? When I look back at my life – I laugh at myself and wonder how did I get here?! I mean honestly, I was a bad, terrible student in high school. My interests were anything but academic. I liked to push the limits of failure it seemed. How many days can you skip school without being kicked out… How many tests can I fail and still pass the class. I was terrible at math, but then went on to have a career in residential lending for 16 years, nerdily toting around a hp12c calculator and analyzing tax returns for most of my adult career. I ended up finding my inner math mojo and being quite a good problem solver. I guess I just pulled the good ole adage of “fake it, until I make it”. I did better in my english classes then math, and actually loved my advanced spelling class. “Antidisestablishmentarianism” was my favorite word. One of my classmates and I had decided we were “against” authority and “for” partying. My twist on the definition just goes to show you how stubborn I was then (and can still be now). I digress, after leaving the lending world, I went to work for a Web Devepoment and Internet Marketing Company – http://www.isgfl.com. I loved meeting with local business owners, coming up with marketing strategies and then working with my web marketing team to implement them. I particularly loved researching and writing eBooks. That is how the opportunity to write a book and become a “published author” came about. The book “Moving To Fort Myers: The Un-Tourist Guide” is to be published by Newt Barrett of Voyager Media Inc. You can check out the other cities in the series here:
So there you have it. Feelings of inadequacy making me feel like a hypocrite or a poser. Worried about the criticism, before I’ve even done the work. Worried about failing my kids, my husband and family. I’m hoping I’m not the only one that feels this way. I’m willing to wager that I’m not.
I decided the best way to overcome this fear based procrastination is to realize that the FEAR is “False Expectations Appearing Real”, it has no hold on me.
- I will be humble and vulnerable in my expectation and know that whatever happens is an opportunity for growth and learning.
- Go to bed early so I can wake up early to write, Join HelloMorning (again) for accountability group that helps to waking up to God, make plan, and keep moving!
- Once kids are in school, devote those hours to my book.
- Volunteer work will have to be done after kids go to bed and before my bedtime. No excuses or exceptions.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and asked “Who Am I?” please feel free to share. As they say “sharing is caring” and I would love to hear from you!
All The Best – Laura